It's Time for Some Positive Thinking!

Day 42
ibuprofen: none yet, though that will probably change!
11 days until triathlon

OK, so I have been getting really sort of freaked out about the race and how it's going to be so hard and I am going to be like the last one in. And I've been having visions of having trouble in the water and all of that.

It's time for some positive thinking.

I have to quit focusing on how the whole swimming thing is giving me a hard time. I have to quit imagining the race with dread. It is time to (and thanks for the push on this, Rachelle!) start thinking about how great it's going to feel to finish. It's time to imagine what it's going to be like to finish each step, knowing that I have prepared for it and I have everything I need (in not only a physical, but also emotional and spiritual sense) to do this thing. I have to picture it clearly in my mind, how great it's going to feel to get out of the water (!), how I'll be able to finish the ride, how there will be nice people handing me water on the run. And then....how my team and dear husband and friends will be there at the finish, cheering me on.

So help me focus, folks. Challenge me every time I whine. Keep me on track to do this thing!

Anxiety Reduction...an attempt

Day 41
ibuprofen: none (not quite sure how that one happened)
13 days until triathlon

Today we went for another swim in the lake where the race is going to take place. The water was a lot calmer than it was last time we went out there, and I actually managed to (1) do a crawl stroke for a little bit of the time and (2) mostly avoid the weeds, which in the basal ganglia or whatever that most basic part of your brain is, I am sure will suck me in and drown me. Our resident science teacher carefully explained to me that these are not viney weeds and are extremely unlikely to actually catch on to me, but you know, sometimes logic just does not obtain. I looked at today's swim as just an exercise in anxiety reduction. I keep hoping that if I keep going out there and doing what I need to do, when the Big Day comes (looming closer all the time....makes me a little short of breath just thinking about it....), I will be able to complete it with a minimum of freaking out.

If I can just get to my bike, I think I'll be fine. If I can manage to breathe while in the water, I will be fine. If I can get in the lake and back out of it at the other end....I will be fine. Really. I'll be fine.

It's the Mental Stuff That Hangs Me Up

Day 40
ibuprofen: 600mg so far
13 days until triathlon

Yesterday, we did a race simulation at a local lake and surrounding area. We swam what should have been a fairly short and doable distance, then did the transition to riding, then to running/walking. I had an asthma attack shortly after I got in the water, so that just made everything a struggle. It was frightening, and since I think the attack was brought on by anxiety in the first place, it just made it all that much harder. It takes a lot of focus to purposely slow your breathing down and get in a calmer space! Thank God, very literally, for my "anti-drowning patrol!" I didn't even really realize it at first, but several of my more-able teammates took it in turns to swim alongside me (slowly!) and keep me focused. I felt embarassed at first and then very thankful for all of you for making sure I was safe and able to complete the workout. You are angels! And a huge thanks also to the one who remembered her inhaler when I did not....!

For all that struggle, I am really glad to have gone through that day. I imagine there will be people who show up at the race who have not really gone through the whole checklist of what to bring with them, who have not tried going from one event to the next, and it's going to be hard for them. I'm glad to have the mental preparation.

And you know, so very much of all of this is the mental stuff. We can make our bodies do all kinds of things, if we are prepared mentally. We can push and push and get where we need to go, and it's a lot easier if we know what to expect, how it's going to feel, and what lies ahead. That is what I have a hard time with, and that is what this training is helping me do. We are going to rehearse again next weekend, and then it's The Big Day. I get nervous just thinking about it, but hopefully a couple of more open-water swims and another race simulation will help me get it all ready in my mind, so I can then push my body to come along.

And I've already added "asthma meds!" to my checklist of stuff to bring!

More Swimming Thoughts

Day 36
ibuprofen: 600mg
17 days until triathlon

After the "fear factor" event that was Monday's swim at the lake, today's 850 yards in a swimming pool was positively tranquil and ... easy! Who knew that I would ever say that swimming more than half a mile anywhere would be easy, but there I was! In past workouts in the pool, I have often ended a set with a backstroke lap to kind of give me a chance to breathe. Well, maybe the lake scared it out of me, but today, I did not do a single lap of backstroke. I was in there, swimming my funky strokes, but not kicking back at all. And it was pretty good!

I noticed something else about myself today. On the way out to the pool from the locker room, I usually wrap my gigantic beach towel around myself until I get right up there to swim. But on the way back, when that towel would actually be useful for, say, drying off, I no longer care. It's like I am saying to myself...."you know, I don't care who sees my cellulite-ridden thighs! I just swam half a mile! So there!"

Ah, that I could have such positive messages about body image going on in my mind more often. But you know, as I have been going through this training process, I have been having these moments more often. I tell you, change is afoot.

I actually paid up for my race registration tonight. I was really nervous about doing it. They don't give you your money back if you change your mind. I guess I'm actually going to do this thing!

If We're Here, We're Not Failing

Day 34
ibuprofen: none so far (how did that happen?)
19 days until triathlon

My poor training partners. They never know which offhand comment they make is going to become fodder for the blog :-)

Today's swim was out in the lake where the race will take place. This was, mind you, following a day where I'd had one technical problem and frustration after another all day long, so I was not exactly feeling super-confident. And open-water swimming is not for the faint of heart. The water was cold. It was very choppy, and I felt like I was fighting the waves at every moment. How on earth am I going to do this? But then, one of the gals said, "You know, if we're here, we're not failing." Even though I felt like I was maybe getting an inch a stroke in the water, and having such a hard time breathing, I was there. So even though I was tired, and even though I was really, really slow, and even though I stopped a little early, I was not failing. I was there.

Another day of victory...

Evidence of Progress!

Day 32
ibuprofen: 400mg so far
21 days until triathlon

It's been a few days since I posted, so I apologize for that. It has been really something to me that people keep coming to me and saying that what I have to say inspires them. Thank you, thank you! This little blog's reason for existence is to do just that.

So....on today's ride, I went two miles farther than I went on a very similar ride last week. That felt really good, like some solid bit of evidence that I really am getting stronger and doing better. I was having sort of a hard time today getting going - I just could not find my groove or a comfortable pace, but I guess it worked out all right!

Monday, several of us are planning to do a swim in the lake where the triathlon will take place. It will be good to get out there and sort of see how it goes, and since I am all for planning ahead and knowing what's coming, it will be great for me to see it and get a feel for it. The swimming is improving, but it's still my weak point.

And...a big shout-out to all of you who are coming on and reading my blog - as of this post, I've had 120 visits! Yippeee!

I Can Do Things That Are Hard

Day 28
ibuprofen: 400mg
25 days until trithalon

Tonight was a "brick" workout, one where we do more than one event back to back. I am not sure why it is called a brick...maybe because it feels like you are hauling around a load of bricks by the time you get home, perhaps to reduce the load of bricks I already have in my backside! So we are there, on bike trainers by the side of the track so we can hop off them (well, "hop" might be too strong a word) and run. One of our Fearless Leaders is doing it like a spinning class, where we do intervals every now and again. He says to imagine that something is chasing me. By the end, I am convinced that I would be eaten by hyenas on the veldt. But then I got off the bike for the last time, and I wish I had timed it - I really felt like I was walking faster than I had been earlier in the evening, even though I was tired. It was like the body was in the mode of going faster and just kept going.

The real fun came, however, while we were stretching out and doing some core work. Our other Fearless Leader is encouraging us to do push-ups. Push-ups? But I am a wimp, I think to myself. "Try for 15!" she says. "I think I'll try for two!" I reply. So I do two. I do three. By the time I get to ten, it's getting sort of pretty hard. But...I can do things that are hard, I think to myself. It just sort of popped in there. I hung in there and did 15 push-ups.

I can do things that are hard.

The real change I have observed in myself through this training is in how I think of myself and what I am capable of. I could probably go out there and have gastric bypass surgery or something and lose a hundred pounds....but I would bet money that even after all of that, I would still think of myself as a large, non-athletic person. This is slow, and the changes are not really huge so far (though things are changing! yippeee!), but it's giving me time to work on the inside, on how I think of and see myself. I did not really think it was possible for me to experience this sort of fundamental shift in self-perception, but...it's happening. I see it. I feel it, and at these moments of effort, it comes through.

I really can....do things that are hard.

The Power of the Group

Day 26
ibuprofen: 800mg
27 days until triathlon

So it's Mother's Day today, and what were the lot of us doing this morning? Training! Yippee....

Who would have thought a year ago that I would choose (of my own free will, and changing around the training plan to do this, I might add) to crawl out of bed before 0700 on Mother's Day so I could go ride and walk/jog? (and a year ago I did not think I could jog anywhere, period) I never, and I do mean never would have done it on my own. But I was not on my own! Pretty much of our usual crowd was there today, and cheery about it to boot! And then there was our Fearless Leader, handing out (rather, tossing) Sport Beans with happy little ribbons tied to them to all the moms. Just what a person needs to bring a smile to their face, I tell you.

But I was not on my own, and that's what keeps bringing me out there. I have discovered this thing I can do, and there is this miraculous group of people who are doing it with me that I can just be myself around. I can try something and have a hard time with it. I can fail around them. I have people who understand what it means to me to succeed. They cheer me on, lift my spirits and help me dig deep for strength. (getting misty-eyed here. Someone hand me a kleenex...) Yeah, I pretty much am slower at basically every event in the triathlon than, well, anyone else in the group. But I don't feel any sort of snobbery or anything like that. We're in it together, and it's a beautiful thing.

Having a hard time getting motivated to get out there and do something? Find yourself a group of friendly, caring folks. It makes a world - no, a universe - of difference!

Will it be enough?

Day 24
ibuprofen: 400mg
29 days until triathlon

So, it's now officially less than a month until race day. I have been following the training plan pretty diligently - I did not get up at 0500 on Thursday to ride my bike as I have been doing, but I did get out the bike trainer last night and rode on that for about 45 minutes. But for the most part, I have been following the plan pretty closely. I can feel that I am becoming stronger. Today I put on a pair of capris that I have not worn since before my baby was born (yippeee!). I'm getting better at swimming, and I feel more confident. So the question becomes....will it be enough? Am I going to be strong enough? Am I going to be fast enough? Will I have enough endurance? Will I have enough patience with myself not to give up? Will it be enough?

(deep breath taken here) I know from the half marathon that when I follow the plan, I should be able to finish. Now, it took me a loooong time to finish that half marathon, but I did manage to do it. So...if I'm doing the prep work I need now, it should follow that I'll be able to finish this event as well. So I've got to believe in myself, in the plan, in my training partners....we've all got to believe together that we can do it.

I'll believe if you will.

More Swimming

Day 22
ibuprofen: 400mg
31 days until triathlon

Today was the longest-yet swim (though there is much more to come), and I thought it was time to update the internal dialog as I am swimming:

OK, you can do this! Deep breath, stroke stroke stroke stroke, roll over to breathe, oh yeah kick....not too deep...there the surface is, keep kicking stroke stroke, roll over, see it's sort of working, breathe....oooh look at the pretty designs on the bottom of the pool from the waves....breathe, keep moving, almost there.....

So that's about one length of the pool. I personally thought it was a great moment when I started noticing the patterns on the bottom of the pool instead of freaking out about being able to breathe. Swimming is still the hardest part for me, and I seriously doubt I will be able to do a crawl stroke for much of the race, but I'm doing so much better.

I am really trying to look at each day, each training, each small victory and build on it. We spend so much time feeling like we have failed. It's hard to combat that in the mind and heart, but I'm making a conscious (Lola, did I spell that right?) effort to remember those victories and let them pile up into a great big stash of energy in my spirit.

Think You Can't?

Day 21
ibuprofen: 600mg
32 days until triathlon

It's really been sort of interesting to tell people about this training that I am doing. Most of the time, when I tell someone I am training to do a triathlon, I am met with a sort of silent amazement, followed by "There is NO WAY I could EVER do something like that!" And I have to say, really folks, you could. You could do this. I mean, look at me! There is not a person I train with who is larger than I am, and I am pretty much slower than everyone. Yeah, I have to look a little harder for clothing and that sort of thing, and I definitley have a lot of extra weight I am carrying around. This makes it harder on my knees and harder to do everything, period. But I'm doing it. And I tell you, if I can do this, so can anyone who is willing to devote the time, the energy and the heart to get out there every day and follow the training plan.

Now, I know those are not small things. My biggest battle is always getting dressed and out the door. Once I get out there, I can normally do whatever I set out to do. There are so many things that get in our way - time commitments, life generally, and those roadblocks in our heads and hearts. Belive me, I have (and do) experience all of these things. One step, one workout, one day at a time, though, I am finding a way...a path...a lane through it. I wish everyone I know could find a way to do one thing that they thought was impossible. It's an amazing thing, and that sense of accomplishment is just so great. That's what keeps me coming back, day after day - that feeling in my heart that I did this amazing thing, and no one can ever take that away from me.

So try something today. Just one thing. You never know where it might lead!

Thanks!

Day 19
ibuprofen: 600mg plus a couple of ice packs on the way
34 days until triathlon

Today I rode 16 miles on my bike, and even with stopping twice to get a drink and regain some feeling in my toes (my toes keep going numb on long rides. I must be pinching a nerve somewhere.), I made my goal distance in 1:32. It was supposed to be an hour and a half-long ride today, so it was really nice to go the distance I was hoping for.

While I was trying to keep up with everyone, one of my trusty training partners kept reminding me that I only had to worry about myself, and that the goal was just to get there. And if I keep at it, and do all the training, I will get there. It was good to be reminded of this fact! So thanks, trusty training partner!

You know, this seems like such an individual sport, but really, honestly, I would have basically no hope of doing this if it were not for the vast team of people who are behind me and all around me. My husband, for example. He goes back and forth between being proud of me and being a bit frustrated about the child care duties he is taking on. But he keeps helping, keeps supporting, keeps going. My friends and co-workers never fail to congratulate me on what I've already done and encourage me to keep going. And then there is the training group - I know we all keep each other going, so it's really important to me to see you all every week. So, thanks to each and every one of you! You make this sort of non-athletic person, who'd really rather be sitting in a chair doing embroidery or reading, able to get out there and do something great. Thanks!

Just a Little Walk Today

Day 18
ibuprofen: 600mg with breakfast
35 days until triathlon

On this very windy (but sunny and nice) day, the workout of the day was just a 30 minute walk. My husband and daughter came along, and hubby helped me count cadence...the goal was 22+, and I was way over that, so maybe I am doing something wrong. I will have to check with our Fearless Leaders and see if I'm doing it right. Counting does not seem like it should be technichally difficult, but you never know. Math is not my strong suit :-) Baby fell asleep in the stroller on the walk, and that's fine. What I want for her in her life is for exercise and all of that to be just a regular thing - fun, not unusual and something she will do her whole life. I don't want her to struggle as I have.

For the walk today, I revisited some of the area where the half marathon I completed in March was. It's a really nice neighborhood, nice to walk in, look at houses I will never afford, and get some exercise. And I remembered that feeling of finishing that was so great! It was so strange when I finished - you would think I'd be all smiles, but I completely broke down in tears! I was just so overcome that I had finished this big thing that at first seemed so impossible. Maybe the happy dance will come at the end of the triathlon!

Tomorrow is a long ride, and I'm hoping the winds die down. But if not, I guess I'll just ride in the wind! My goal is to ride the event distance (16 miles) in the time we have allotted, 1 1/2 hours. Last weekend we did 15 1/2 miles in about that time, so I am hopeful that I will make it. We have a couple more long rides, and I hope that I will be able to complete the race distance with (relative) ease, and so feel a little more confident as race day approaches. I don't want to start getting all nervous about it now, though. I have another month to go...

Oh yeah, and in a victory for craigslist, I picked up a nice bike trainer for $80.00 last night. What a deal! The guy who was selling it was super nice, and hopefully I'll be able to put it to good use. The streets around where we do our Tuesday night workouts have not felt really safe to me to ride on, so having the trainer will really help me feel better.

Egads, to read this, it seems like everything is all about making me feel better. Really, I know it's not all about me. Really. It's just that as I think about this event and what it will mean to me to finish it, I want to do everything I can to mentally set myself up for success. So I probably am a little focused on myself in regards to this. Maybe that is all right for now.

Thank God for Rest Days

Day 17
ibuprofen: 600mg I think
36 days until triathlon (I actually counted 'em this time)

Just about the time I think I just can't go on, a rest day arrives. Yippeee! The toddler is still refusing to nap, but so far today, she is not screaming (a vast improvement). I am going to look at a bike trainer tonight, so hopefully it will be as good as it seemed on craigslist, and I'll get one for half the price!

It's really good to have the rest days. Even though I am still kinda sore, I can step back, think about how I really am enjoying all this, and especially how much I like feeling stronger. I have never in my life thought of myself as being athletic...yet here I am, doing something many athletes never do. I never thought I was capable of this...yet here I am...doing it. It's a good feeling, and I like it! So my knees creak some. They do that anyway. So I am a little achy. It just sort of reminds me of what I'm doing.

Of course, someone is going to have to remind me of how I was saying all this was no big deal...but for today, it's all right.

Song of the Day....and I am really, really tired

Day 16
ibuprofen: 600mg so far and more to come
35 days until triathlon, I think

OK, so on the heels of my thought for yesterday, this song came up on my iPod at 5:45 this morning while I was walking....the song is called "Unwritten," by Natasha Bedingfield

Feel the rain on your skin
No one else can feel it for you
Only you can let it in
No one else, no one else can speak the words on your lips
Drench yourself in words unspoken
Live your life with arms wide open
Today is where your book begins
The rest is still unwritten...

There is so much out there to do and see and feel, and no one can do it for me. I have to get out there myself.

Which brings me to....I am exhausted. Really. Truly. On Wednesdays, I go to choir rehearsal at my church, which I really enjoy and it's great, but I often don't get home with the baby until about 9:00, then it's dinner and bath and bed for her, and by the time I finally turn in it's almost 11:00. So when the alarm goes off at 5:00, I (so far) have been able to get out there and do what I need to do for my training. But then I have to go to work. And then I have to be a mom. And right now, my dear toddler refused to take a nap this afternoon and is screaming. So I have to do something about getting more sleep on Wednesday nights if I'm going to keep this up. I have to keep this up. It's finally starting to show that I am doing all this training, and I have to keep this up.

I better keep that happy and inspirational music going on the iPod!

Tip of the Day and a Deep Thought (well, deep for me anyway)

Day 15
ibuprofen: none so far, but that will probably change...
38 days until the triathlon

So today, I got my Tip of the Day from one of our Fearless Leaders, and this has already made a difference in how I swim: I had been lifting my head out of the water to breathe, which, after a while, kinda makes your neck hurt. And when your neck hurts, then it's harder to get your head out of the water to breathe. Then you have a harder time breathing, which then leads to panic and thinking you are going to drown. (I feel like Yoda here, explaining how anger leads to hate, and hate leads to suffering....)

And what was the Tip of the Day? Don't lift your head out of the water, just roll over on your side a little more to get your head out. One simple thing. Much reduced breathing difficulties and panic. A wee bit of relaxation in the pool. And a lot of gratitude on my part!

You swimmer folks probably already knew that little tidbit, but it was one of those little things that makes a lot of difference to me :-)

Another thought: I was struck by an offhand comment I heard recently, "We didn't know the last day was going to be the last day." It was in reference to something completely different, but the impact it had on me was this: I don't want to live putting off something I want to try, or letting beautiful moments pass by unnoticed, or waiting for something to happen that may never come before I can "really" live. I want to notice it all, do whatever I can and keep moving. Because we never know when that last day is coming - whether it's death or injury or heartbreak or whatever. We never know. So it's time to live ... while it's still called today, as the prophet Isaiah put it. Today.

Oh, and thanks to one of the other group members for encouraging me to find a way to put a counter on the page...it's great to see how many visits I'm getting :-)